For the past two years I’ve though about writing this, but could never find the right words to start. September is National Recovery Month and seeing the multitude of recovery stories on social media, has given me the frame of mind to start.
We all know someone with addiction whether it is cigarettes, alcohol, owning too many shoes, or eating more than you should. Most addictions are seemingly harmless so people overlook them as addiction, but when it involves heroine, coke, crack, or any hard drug people are more likely to start to judge. I was one of those people that judged because to me any addict was a disgusting human who didn’t care about anyone else or even themselves. I would later learn that my opinion was so far from the truth.
I was first introduced to addiction when I was fifteen. My best friend had developed a habit of taking Ecstasy. At the time I was naive to what addiction was, but I knew she had a real problem. We’d make plans to hang out and have a sleep over and she would show up late coming down from her high. “I took 2 triple stacks today, threw up everywhere, and rolled so hard. I’m exhausted.” She’d tell me as she climbed into bed to go to sleep. This was a regular weekend thing for us. My best friend, who I needed to talk to about life, boys, family, and anything else, couldn’t give me one night of her time. She’d fall asleep and when I woke up she’d already be gone to hang out with her other friends again to get high. I was hurt, worried, and didn’t understand why she couldn’t just hang out with me without the drugs. I told her numerous I was worried and that I didn’t like it and she didn’t seem to care. I had, had enough. The last day she left my house I woke up and messaged her on Myspace telling her I was tired of worrying and if she wasn’t going to stop I couldn’t be friends with her. That was the hardest thing I had ever done.
After 6 months of not speaking to my best friend my father came to me and said they had talked and she hadn’t taken ecstasy in about a month. I was happy our mutual friends and my father kept in touch with her at the time that I couldn’t. I needed to know she was okay even if we weren’t speaking. A few days later we talked and she apologized. She got the help she needed and our friendship is stronger than ever. That year was the hardest year of my life and I was so glad it was over. Without even realizing it I had my first encounter loving an addict. I never thought it could get worse.
Years went by and my knowledge of addiction grew as friends dabbled in different pills and alcohol. I hated it. I judged them. I had formed an uneducated opinion about all addicts. They we’re liars, thieves, dirty, and I wanted nothing to do with them. That was, until I fell in love with one.
Thursday night when I got out of work I headed over to my friends house to do a photoshoot of her. I’ve been thinking of getting back into photography for a while now and this was the perfect opportunity to pick up my camera again. I wasn’t sure how they would come out considering it has been a while since I felt comfortable holding a camera, but I’m satisfied with the results.
With what little lighting and props I had to work with I’m very proud of the way these came out. I’m by no means a professional, but some day I hope to be.
Is blogging at work frowned upon? Probably. I’ve been here for almost an hour already and it’s rather boring. I read some of my favorite blogs, watched some of my favorite Youtube channels, listened to messages, and fooled around with my camera. Inspiration to start writing hit me and here we are. If for some reason you’ve stumbled upon my page its probably because you’re bored and got sucked into the black hole of the internet. If for some reason you searched for my page, well, I doubt it. Anyways, welcome!
Tonight should be fun. I haven’t brought out my camera for quite some time now and when my best friend asked me to do a photo shoot of her, I excitedly accepted. When figuring out what I want to do with my life I always seem to go back to photography. Doing it on my own is the only issue. I need classes.
Well, there goes my motivation to write anything… right out the window. Along with everything else I start. My brain will be swarmed with so much clutter that I’ll feel the need to start a blog. Then, as soon as I start writing it all disappears. So for now, this is it. Maybe I’ll post some of the pictures I took. Maybe they wont be good enough to post. We’ll see.
It’s midnight and I’m starting to get a headache. I’ve tried closing my eyes, but nothing happens then I get bored. So here we are.
Two different job opportunities came my way today. Tomorrow I find out if I have a good chance at one of them. I don’t want to get my hopes up because I’ve had such bad luck with jobs the last 3 years, but I can’t help but think this is going to be good.
Really don’t have much else to say so I guess I’ll end this here.
It’s 1AM Wednesday morning. Most people would consider this to be late. For me this is still early. Sleep hasn’t come easily for the past few years and honestly I haven’t tried to figure out why. Strangely this is when I am most motivated. Motivated to get a new job, start projects, learn new things, eat better, work out, better my life, and starting tonight I guess online Journaling. I’ve said for a long time I want to start writing in a journal again, but if night time is the only time I’m going to want to do it I might as well make it here. I’ve started so many “blogs” and always promise to stick to them, but here we are again. I feel as though when I start one I feel like I need to give it a theme and only write about what people will want to read. Starting now I’m going to write for me. If people read it, great. If not, oh well. I feel like I’ve said that before, too.
Today, meaning Tuesday, so I guess yearerday… either way, was an okay day. I feel myself slowly hating the adult world. I hate that I live to work and work to live and it’s making me miserable. Everything revolves around money and I don’t have any. I want to wake up excited to work and I want work to feel like it’s not work at all. I’m sure everyone feels that way. I’m 24 years old and don’t know what I want to do with my life. So many people have suggested what they think I should do. Sometimes I get excited about things, then the excitement passes and I don’t want to do it anymore.
My friends, family, and boyfriend make me happy.
If I could get paid to be around them 24/7 I’d be the happiest person in the world. Since I can’t I’ll stay miserable going to a job I don’t want to go to making money I don’t have for very long.
As for right now I’m sick of writing so I suppose I’ll try and sleep for the next 3 hours. 4am is when the magic happens and my body and mind allow me to drift off.